Positively Transforming Your Kids’ Behavior Through Shaping

Are there any of your kids’ behaviors that you would like to change? Perhaps you feel frustrated that your child won’t practice the piano without being nagged, doesn’t listen the first time, or is super slow in getting ready for school. By the time you are really bothered by a behavior, your child is probably well entrenched in behaving this way.

You may have resorted to yelling, threatening and taking away privileges to try to improve your child’s behavior. While that may have worked one day, you probably found you needed to yell louder, come up with bigger threats or take away more privileges to get your child to behave again.

What Researchers Have Discovered About Punishment

By the time frustrated parents turn to Dr. Alan Kazdin at the Yale Parenting Center they are at their wits end! He tells them what he’s learned from the research:

"Punishment - mild, severe, abusive - changes behavior only at the moment it is delivered. It doesn't change the overall level or rate of the behavior. So if you have a child who's doing something horrible and you smack them, it'll stop it for the moment but it won't decrease the number of times they do the horrible thing.

So there's an alternative. Decide what behavior you want, sometimes called the positive opposite, and praise or encourage that. That makes the negative behavior drop out. You can actually eliminate a behavior by rewarding or praising the opposite behavior. Punishment won't do it."

Shaping the Behavior You Want

What does it mean to shape your child’s behavior? It involves five steps:

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Help Me Do It By Myself

When I was a child and struggling to do something, I often went to my dad for help. However, I wanted just enough help so that I could feel I had pretty much done it on my own. If he gave me what I deemed to be too much help, I got mad … not that much help, just a little!

Fortunately for me, my dad had a lot of patience. He was willing to try giving me hints on how to solve a problem without solving it for me. It certainly could not have been an easy balance for him!

I wanted to feel proud of what I had accomplished on my own. Even though I needed his help, if I had just a little help then it qualified as doing it on my own.

The next time your kids come to you for help, think about how you can give just enough help to get them unstuck without solving it for them.

How can I get my kids to listen to me?

Do your kids often ignore your requests until you are screaming or threatening them? Are you tired of asking them multiple times to do something?

If so, there’s a solution! You can retrain them to listen the first time by only asking once and then acting. For example, there was a 3-year-old girl in a hotel lobby who ran to the couch, climbed up and started jumping. Her Dad told her “No jumping on the couch!” She continued jumping. Her Mom then told her “Get down!” She still continued jumping.

Soon both parents were yelling and threatening and the girl eventually stopped jumping for a few minutes before going back to the couch and jumping. How frustrating for these parents!

What else could they have done? Ask their daughter once to stop jumping on the couch and when she continued, go immediately over and gently take her off the couch. Give her another option for getting out her energy like “You can jump as much as you want on the floor. Do you think you can jump like a bunny all the way over to that table?”

If you want your kids to listen the first time, you need to act whenever they don’t respond to your first request. Taking action is more involved than just repeating your request but it’s essential if you want your kids to learn to listen the first time.

Gaining Your Kids' Cooperation in Helping with the Chores

Is it time to review your household chores distribution? By the time your kids are 4-years-old, it’s good to include them in helping out with chores.

Since a new year is soon to begin, this may be the perfect time to write down all the chores that need to be done … including paying bills, buying groceries, preparing meals and providing rides. Next circle the ones you as parents will do and then let your kids choose which ones they would like to do.

Post the chore chart somewhere everyone can easily see it. Check in on how it’s going every week or two. Adjust or switch chores as needed so everyone is successfully participating.

Helping Your Toddler Learn to Share

Sharing is a tough thing to do for most toddlers and preschoolers. However, it's also an important skill need for making friends. You can help your toddler develop sharing skills by playing a simple game with them.

Start by picking up a toy that your child likes. Give your toddler the toy saying “Here you go!” and then a few seconds later asks “Can I have a turn?” When your child gives the toy back to you, thank them for sharing it. Then hold the toy for a few seconds before giving it back to your child. It’s a game where the fun is in passing the toy back and forth each time giving your child positive feedback for sharing.

Recovering From a Broken Promise

What do you when you’ve broken a promise to your child and now your child is upset? One mom explained that she had promised her 12-year-old son that she would play a game of cribbage with him that night. However, time slipped by and it was time for bed before they got to play the game.

When her son realized they weren’t going to be able to play the game that night, he was angry. She acknowledged his feelings and apologized, “I can see you are angry that we don’t have time to play cribbage tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how late it was. Let’s set an alarm to go off tomorrow night at 7:00 so that we remember to play the game then.”

Acknowledging his feelings and apologizing calmed her son down. What would have happened had she said “You’re getting upset for nothing! I’ll play cribbage with you tomorrow night.”? He probably would have gotten even more upset because she not only broke her promise but also dismissed his feelings.

The Power of Acknowledging a Child’s Feelings

A mom explained that her preschooler, Robbie, would often express sadness during the day when his dad was gone to work. When Robbie told her "I miss my daddy", she would reassure him that his dad would be home at dinner time. This reassurance didn’t seem to help Robbie as he would respond even louder "But I really miss him!"

One time instead of trying to reassure Robbie, she acknowledged his feelings saying "You are really sad that Daddy isn’t here right now. You are welcome to miss him as much as you want." Robbie calmed down much more quickly than when she tried to convince him that there was nothing to be sad about since his dad would be home soon.

Make Your Home Name-Calling Free

Being called names hurts kids. When kids are called names like stupid, lazy, fat, ugly or cry baby, they naturally feel bad about themselves.

While you can’t control what happens at school, you can make your own home a name-calling free place. Your kids should feel safe in their own home. This means that your kids should not be allowed to treat each other cruelly.

Siblings have inside information that they can powerfully use against each other. As a parent it is your job to stop them from using this information in a negative way. Make your home welcoming for everyone – a place where they can be themselves, be vulnerable and not be afraid of being attacked for showing their true selves.

Responding to Kids with Compassion Instead of Criticism

Critical comments flow easily for most parents. In fact it may be so natural that you don’t even notice yourself making negative comments. In her book, Building Moral Intelligence, Dr. Michele Borba writes "studies reveal that the average parent makes 18 critical comments to his child for every one positive comment." Yikes!

When you criticize your kids, you are usually trying to correct their behavior or help prevent them from making mistakes. While these are worthwhile goals, what if criticism actually does more harm than good?

Criticizing Kids Teaches Them to Be Self-Critical

A big problem with criticism is that kids tend to quickly internalize it and then repeat it back to themselves. When your kids use negative self-talk, they hold themselves back instead of confidently moving forward.

In her book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, Professor Kristin Neff writes “When mothers or fathers use harsh criticism as a means to keep their kids out of trouble (“don’t be so stupid or you’ll get run over by a car”), or to improve their behavior (“you’ll never get into college if you keep getting such pathetic grades”), children assume that criticism is a useful and necessary motivational tool. Unsurprisingly, research shows that individuals who grow up with highly critical parents in childhood are much more likely to be critical toward themselves as adults.

People deeply internalize their parents’ criticisms, meaning that the disparaging running commentary they hear inside their own head is often a reflection of parental voices – sometimes passed down and replicated throughout generations.”

Being self-critical isn’t exactly the legacy you want to give your kids!

Criticism Comes Easier Than Forgiveness or Compassion

Being critical of your children’s behavior stems from a belief that criticism is necessary in helping them grow up well. When you criticize your kids, you are attempting to exert control over their behavior in order to improve it. Is there a better way to do this?

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Kids Who Understand But Still Disobey Rules

One dad complained that his 5-year-old son just didn’t want to obey some of their family rules. For example, his son was running in the house. The dad stopped his son and explained to him that it was not ok to run in the house. He then asked his son if he understood and he did.

Fast forward 5 minutes … and there his son is running in the house once again! Is he purposely trying to drive his dad crazy by disobeying?

No! His ability to control his impulses, like the impulse to run, is still developing. While he understands the rule, his impulses take over in the moment and he runs.

Experts believe that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, does not fully develop until a person is 25-years-old. That doesn’t mean that there is no impulse control until that age but it is a developing skill (which is why car rental places won’t let someone rent a car until they are 25)!

Help Me Do It By Myself

One parent wrote their biggest parenting challenge is "He's a toddler who wants all his independence but doesn't understand that he still needs help with things and he is very stubborn." Although this demand for independence is a sign of healthy development, it’s also exhausting for parents!

Toddlers and preschoolers are anxious to learn to do things for themselves but often need some guidance. This need for help along with the fact that they haven't mastered emotional regulation yet leads to frustration and meltdowns. Sometimes it's all a parent can do not to have a meltdown right along side them!

Find ways to encourage their budding independence by giving them as many tasks they can successfully handle. This is the perfect age to start letting them help out with simple chores. They love to help and practice new skills ... and soon enough they'll be old enough to handle these chores on their own.

For more ideas on parenting young children, check out the online parenting class for ages 5 and under.

How to Build Healthy Relationships with Your Kids’ Teachers

Whether your children are in preschool, high school or somewhere in between, their teachers play a major role in their lives. Building positive relationships with their teachers will help your kids experience more success in school.

Your children need their teachers and those teachers need you. They simply cannot do the best for your kids without your help.

Noticing Problems at School

The advantage your children’s teachers have is that they work with many kids the same age and are good at noticing when a child is falling outside the norms either academically or socially. The advantage you have is that you know your child much better than any teacher. Both you and the teacher each contribute important information in understanding your child.

When a teacher comes to you discuss a problem with your child, it’s often a difficult conversation for both of you. As a parent, you are naturally sensitive to any perceived negative feedback about your child. It’s hard to hear your child is struggling without feeling defensive.

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Warning Signs That a Child Is Drowning

Children who are drowning do not look like they are in distress. They are not going to call out for help or splash their arms. Why? Because they no longer have the air or strength to do those things.

Knowing the signs to look for in a person who is drowning may save a child's life. Below are the characteristics of the Instinctive Drowning Response from the Coast Guard’s On Scene magazine:

1. Except in rare circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help. The respiratory system was designed for breathing. Speech is the secondary, or overlaid, function. Breathing must be fulfilled, before speech occurs.

2. Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink below and reappear above the surface of the water. The mouths of drowning people are not above the surface of the water long enough for them to exhale, inhale, and call out for help. When the drowning people’s mouths are above the surface, they exhale and inhale quickly as their mouths start to sink below the surface of the water.

3. Drowning people cannot wave for help. Nature instinctively forces them to extend their arms laterally and press down on the water’s surface. Pressing down on the surface of the water, permits drowning people to leverage their bodies so they can lift their mouths out of the water to breathe.

4. Throughout the Instinctive Drowning Response, drowning people cannot voluntarily control their arm movements. Physiologically, drowning people who are struggling on the surface of the water cannot stop drowning and perform voluntary movements such as waving for help, moving toward a rescuer, or reaching out for a piece of rescue equipment.

5. From beginning to end of the Instinctive Drowning Response people’s bodies remain upright in the water, with no evidence of a supporting kick. Unless rescued by a trained lifeguard, these drowning people can only struggle on the surface of the water from 20 to 60 seconds before submersion occurs.

When you're at the water with kids, make sure at least one adult's attention is totally focused on the kids in the water.

When Your Child Refuses to Participate

A mom explained her exasperation when 7-year-old son, Carter, refused to continue with his swimming lessons. He had taken swimming classes the year before and advanced to the next level. However, after three weeks of lessons, Carter declared he no longer wanted to go to his swimming lessons.

His mom took him to the next lesson anyhow since they had paid for the six lesson series. Carter refused to get in the water. The next week his dad took him to the lesson and he still refused to get in the water.

Finally on the last class another instructor invited Carter to play in the shallow water. He got in the shallow end of the pool and had a lot of fun.

Upon reflecting on this sequence of events, his mom realized that Carter often lashed out in anger or acted obstinate when he was scared. She went back and talked to him about what had happened that third week of swimming class.

She learned that the instructor had the kids swimming and told them not to grab onto the wall. Carter wasn’t sure he could keep swimming but was also scared to take a break by holding onto the wall. He hated feeling terrified and so decided the best way out was to stop participating.

Once she understood why Carter was refusing to join the swimming lesson, she was able to help him come up with a better strategy for handling this type of situation in the future.

Helping Young Kids Learn to Intentionally Focus

The type of focus kids need to succeed in school is intentional focus. The type of focus kids have when using a digital device like playing on an iPad is called hyperfocus.

Hyperfocus is defined by the UrbanDictionary as “a theoretical state of being or ability in which one is able to concentrate and focus on a particular subject so intensely, ultimately becoming oblivious to everything else around.” Experts recommend limiting preschooler’s screen time to 1-2 hours a day and elementary age kids to 2-3 hours a day.

You can help your children develop intentional focus and follow directions by playing these games with them:

• Clapping game:
• I clap out a rhythm and the children repeat it. This is fairly easy for most kids.
• Now change the rule so that when I clap once, the kids clap twice and when I clap twice, the kids clap once.
• You can make it as difficult as you want: when I clap once, kids clap twice, when I clap twice, the kids clap three times and when I clap three times the kids clap once.
• Even when kids can repeat the rule back to you, they typically fall back into clapping like you are clapping after a couple rounds.

• Red light, Green light. When I say red light the children stop. Green light means the children can walk again. If you walk on a red light, you go back to the starting line.
• Simon Says – only do behavior if I begin with “Simon says” like “Simon says touch your head.”
• Follow Me – Hop on one foot, skip, gallop, march, swing your arms in circles …
• Putting puzzles together. 
• Playing board games.

 

Could it be autism?

Autism now effects one in 88 children. Researchers are trying to figure out the factors behind the increase in the rate of autism. While parents, child care providers and doctors are more vigilantly looking for possible signs of autism in their children.

For those not intimately familiar with autism, the line between normal and autistic behavior can be hard to see. The Autism Speaks organization has put together a series of videos showing normal child behavior and autistic child behavior in these areas:

• Social interaction
• Communication
• Repetitive behaviors and restricted interests
• Regulatory and sensory systems

The videos are well done with accompanying explanations about the child's behavior. There are also videos showing treatments used in helping autistic children. You will need to create a login to access the Autism Spectrum Disorders Video Glossary.

Kids Complaining About Being Bored Without Their Digital Devices

Do your kids ever complain that they’re bored especially if they’ve used up their screen time for the day or can’t have access to their favorite digital device? Digital devices are terrific at providing dopamine rushes that are extremely enticing. However, kids benefit greatly from time away from their digital devices.

What do you do when your kids complain they are bored? One idea is to have them write down on slips of paper things they like to do which don’t involve TV or digital devices. Put these slips in a container and the next time they complain about being bored, they can draw a couple slips out and choose which one to do.

You can print a blank My Boredom Busting Activities page that your kids can fill in. For ideas, check out the boredom busting activities other kids have written down.

How to Help Kids Overcome Their Fear and Anxiety

Childhood is often pictured as a fun, carefree time of life. However, children also have many worries and concerns. Having some anxiety is part of normal life but it becomes a problem when that anxiety starts interfering with children's daily activities.

According to Dr. Donna Pincus author of Growing Up Brave, "one in five children today suffers from a diagnosed anxiety disorder, and countless others suffer from anxiety that interferes with critical social, academic, and physical development."

Feeling Anxious in Different Situations

Feeling anxious isn't fun for anyone. It's natural to want to escape whatever situation is creating the anxiety. However, running away only reinforces the negative feelings associated with it and makes it even harder the next time.

There are also many anxiety producing situations which simply cannot be avoided. For example, everyone must sleep even if going to sleep is difficult due to worries.

Below are some common situations that make children anxious:

• Going to bed, sleeping alone, sleeping with the lights off
• Separating from parents for a play date or being left with another adult
• Encountering animals like dogs, snakes or bugs
• Going to school, taking tests, speaking in front of the class
• Performing in a sport
• Striking up a conversation with a peer, joining in playing
• Being in an enclosed space like an elevator, subway or airplane
• Earthquakes, storms, nuclear war or other catastrophic events

When your children are feeling anxious, it's natural to want to reassure them and make things better. Although some things that you may do can actually make things worse like:

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Using Filtering Software to Protect Your Kids From Internet Porn

Shelly lamented to me about her 8-year-old son losing his innocence after going to a web site his school buddy gave him which ended up being a porn site. This was not at all how she wanted him to be introduced to sexuality. What he has seen cannot be taken away and she truly regrets that the computer wasn't set up to prevent him from going to that site.

This is an all-too-common scenario. If you have young kids at home, be sure to use internet filtering software on all your digital devices.

You can read more about internet filtering on Common Sense Media's site. For reviews and customer comments on various internet filtering software, check out Top Ten Reviews.

Truly Understanding Someone Else

If you truly want to connect with your child or someone else, you need to focus your attention on that person. You have to put down whatever you're doing, including any digital device that you may be using, and look at him or her.

Child psychiatrist Daniel Siegel explains that to know what’s really going on with others we need to begin with having eye contact. The muscles around our eyes are directly connected to the emotional parts of our brain which is why the eyes provide a window into someone's mind.

Siegel points out the other things you need to observe in the person are:

• Facial expression
• Tone of voice
• Posture
• Gestures
• Timing
• Intensity of response

All these factors will give you insight into truly understanding that person. If you are communicating using email or texting, most of these factors are absent which is why truly feeling understood is difficult. Spending face-to-face time with your children will increase your understanding of them and their feeling of being understood.