What To Do If Your Kids Refuse To Do Their Homework

Do your children struggle to get their homework done each day? Do they outright refuse to do it sometimes? If you are in the habit of struggling with your kids over homework, it’s no fun for anyone.

The good news is you can change these dynamics! One school counselor reported that she saw many children who refused to do their homework. When she asked what they would do if their parents left homework up to them, almost all the kids replied they would do their homework. Some of the reasons they gave were not disappointing their teachers, having their recess time and avoiding embarrassment.

When your kids focus on resisting you, they can’t feel their internal motivations. How can you remove your children’s resistance and increase the likelihood of their homework getting done?

Remove yourself from the equation by saying something like, “I realize that when I try to make you do your homework both of us end up feeling bad. From now on I’m going to leave your homework up to you. I have faith that you can work out any issues around getting your homework done with your teacher. I want you to be successful in school so you are welcome to use the TV or computer after your homework is done. However, it’s up to you to decide when and if you do your homework.”

Asking questions is another way to help your children think through the possible consequences for not getting their homework done.

• How will you respond when your teacher asks you for your homework?
• What does your teacher do when kids don’t have their homework done?
• What effect does your homework have on your grade?

It’s critical to ask these questions with calm curiosity instead of anger. By leaving homework responsibility with your children, you increase the likelihood it will get done. 

Importance of Family in Everyone's Lives

Your childhood family has deep meaning and significance throughout your entire life. The major role family plays in shaping young adults is beautifully captured in this video of One Direction playing "Story of My Life":

Positively Transforming Your Kids’ Behavior Through Shaping

Are there any of your kids’ behaviors that you would like to change? Perhaps you feel frustrated that your child won’t practice the piano without being nagged, doesn’t listen the first time, or is super slow in getting ready for school. By the time you are really bothered by a behavior, your child is probably well entrenched in behaving this way.

You may have resorted to yelling, threatening and taking away privileges to try to improve your child’s behavior. While that may have worked one day, you probably found you needed to yell louder, come up with bigger threats or take away more privileges to get your child to behave again.

What Researchers Have Discovered About Punishment

By the time frustrated parents turn to Dr. Alan Kazdin at the Yale Parenting Center they are at their wits end! He tells them what he’s learned from the research:

"Punishment - mild, severe, abusive - changes behavior only at the moment it is delivered. It doesn't change the overall level or rate of the behavior. So if you have a child who's doing something horrible and you smack them, it'll stop it for the moment but it won't decrease the number of times they do the horrible thing.

So there's an alternative. Decide what behavior you want, sometimes called the positive opposite, and praise or encourage that. That makes the negative behavior drop out. You can actually eliminate a behavior by rewarding or praising the opposite behavior. Punishment won't do it."

Shaping the Behavior You Want

What does it mean to shape your child’s behavior? It involves five steps:

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Help Me Do It By Myself

When I was a child and struggling to do something, I often went to my dad for help. However, I wanted just enough help so that I could feel I had pretty much done it on my own. If he gave me what I deemed to be too much help, I got mad … not that much help, just a little!

Fortunately for me, my dad had a lot of patience. He was willing to try giving me hints on how to solve a problem without solving it for me. It certainly could not have been an easy balance for him!

I wanted to feel proud of what I had accomplished on my own. Even though I needed his help, if I had just a little help then it qualified as doing it on my own.

The next time your kids come to you for help, think about how you can give just enough help to get them unstuck without solving it for them.

Releasing Emotions Holding You Back

Emotions are a powerful source of information and inspiration. Fear can spring you into action when danger is near. Love can give you the courage to stand up for someone. Anger can inspire you to fight to change something that isn’t right.

When Emotions Get Stuck and Hold You Back

Emotions start causing problems when they get in your way of success. This can happen when you experience something negative and you unconsciously decide to make sure that never happens again.

Have you noticed your kids being held back by their emotions? In the following stories, kids are being negatively affected by their strong, persistent feelings.

Brian loved playing baseball and was good at it. One day he was up to bat he got hit hard by the pitcher’s ball. He immediately went down in pain but eventually recovered enough to take first base and finish the game. From then on he found various excuses for missing practice and not playing baseball.

Isabel knew she was prepared to take the science test. She had studied all week plus done well on all the homework. However, when she sat down to take the test, her mind went blank.

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Gaining Your Kids' Cooperation in Helping with the Chores

Is it time to review your household chores distribution? By the time your kids are 4-years-old, it’s good to include them in helping out with chores.

Since a new year is soon to begin, this may be the perfect time to write down all the chores that need to be done … including paying bills, buying groceries, preparing meals and providing rides. Next circle the ones you as parents will do and then let your kids choose which ones they would like to do.

Post the chore chart somewhere everyone can easily see it. Check in on how it’s going every week or two. Adjust or switch chores as needed so everyone is successfully participating.

Recovering From a Broken Promise

What do you when you’ve broken a promise to your child and now your child is upset? One mom explained that she had promised her 12-year-old son that she would play a game of cribbage with him that night. However, time slipped by and it was time for bed before they got to play the game.

When her son realized they weren’t going to be able to play the game that night, he was angry. She acknowledged his feelings and apologized, “I can see you are angry that we don’t have time to play cribbage tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how late it was. Let’s set an alarm to go off tomorrow night at 7:00 so that we remember to play the game then.”

Acknowledging his feelings and apologizing calmed her son down. What would have happened had she said “You’re getting upset for nothing! I’ll play cribbage with you tomorrow night.”? He probably would have gotten even more upset because she not only broke her promise but also dismissed his feelings.

Other Adults Who Strongly Impact Your Child

Teachers, coaches and other adults who work with your children will have a tremendous impact on them. These adults provide your children with different perspectives then you have. Ideally they will play a positive role in guiding your children to grow into their best selves.

Last night I attended a banquet for my son’s high school cross country team. During the banquet, a number of students spoke passionately about just how much their coaches meant to them. These teens expressed beautifully a deep sense of gratitude for the impact these coaches had on their lives.

Each in their own way conveyed similar key messages they received from their coaches:

• You noticed me.
• You cared about me.
• You believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.
• You changed my life.

What a gift these coaches have been to our kids.

Make Your Home Name-Calling Free

Being called names hurts kids. When kids are called names like stupid, lazy, fat, ugly or cry baby, they naturally feel bad about themselves.

While you can’t control what happens at school, you can make your own home a name-calling free place. Your kids should feel safe in their own home. This means that your kids should not be allowed to treat each other cruelly.

Siblings have inside information that they can powerfully use against each other. As a parent it is your job to stop them from using this information in a negative way. Make your home welcoming for everyone – a place where they can be themselves, be vulnerable and not be afraid of being attacked for showing their true selves.

Responding to Kids with Compassion Instead of Criticism

Critical comments flow easily for most parents. In fact it may be so natural that you don’t even notice yourself making negative comments. In her book, Building Moral Intelligence, Dr. Michele Borba writes "studies reveal that the average parent makes 18 critical comments to his child for every one positive comment." Yikes!

When you criticize your kids, you are usually trying to correct their behavior or help prevent them from making mistakes. While these are worthwhile goals, what if criticism actually does more harm than good?

Criticizing Kids Teaches Them to Be Self-Critical

A big problem with criticism is that kids tend to quickly internalize it and then repeat it back to themselves. When your kids use negative self-talk, they hold themselves back instead of confidently moving forward.

In her book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, Professor Kristin Neff writes “When mothers or fathers use harsh criticism as a means to keep their kids out of trouble (“don’t be so stupid or you’ll get run over by a car”), or to improve their behavior (“you’ll never get into college if you keep getting such pathetic grades”), children assume that criticism is a useful and necessary motivational tool. Unsurprisingly, research shows that individuals who grow up with highly critical parents in childhood are much more likely to be critical toward themselves as adults.

People deeply internalize their parents’ criticisms, meaning that the disparaging running commentary they hear inside their own head is often a reflection of parental voices – sometimes passed down and replicated throughout generations.”

Being self-critical isn’t exactly the legacy you want to give your kids!

Criticism Comes Easier Than Forgiveness or Compassion

Being critical of your children’s behavior stems from a belief that criticism is necessary in helping them grow up well. When you criticize your kids, you are attempting to exert control over their behavior in order to improve it. Is there a better way to do this?

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Internet Rules for Kids

Access to the internet is integrated into almost every digital device your children may use. While there are various filters and monitoring software you can use to keep their experience healthy and safe, it also helps to have some basic internet rules.

What internet rules do you have for your kids? Some to consider:

• No drug talk, nudity, drinking pictures, bullying, posting party locations
• No sharing passwords
• No participating in sites that allow anonymous posting and comments
• Turn off location identifier on any pictures that are posted.
• Use privacy settings. For example, only allow friends to access videos or posts.
• Ask permission before downloading, installing or buying anything.
• Add something online only if you are comfortable with parents, teachers and coaches seeing it.
• All digital devices are turned into parent’s room by ___:___ each night.
• Limit screen time to ___ hours per day.

Discuss your expectations and the reasons behind the rules. Post the rules in an area where everyone can easily see them.

Plan to have ongoing discussions with your kids about the internet. News stories are a rich source of examples of what can go wrong with kids and technology. Use those stories to discuss important issues with your kids.

Getting Your Kids to Talk to You

Touchy subjects can be difficult to approach with your kids in a way that doesn’t scare them away. One mom wrote “I think my daughter might be bullied at school but I can't get her to talk about it.”

When you are nervous or anxious to talk to your child about a sensitive subject, you are likely start off by saying too much. By the time you pause to let your child respond, your child may already feel attacked which was not your intention.

For example, what if the mom who is concerned her daughter might be being bullied says “Honey, I’ve noticed you’ve been kind of sad lately especially after you come home from school. Are those girls being mean to you again? I know they can be really cruel when they get together and that’s just terrible.”

How would you feel right now if you were in this daughter’s shoes? Does it sound like mom might want to get in there and fix the situation? Are you worried she might talk to the girls or their parents?

If mom stopped after saying “Honey, I’ve noticed you’ve been kind of sad lately especially after you come home from school.”, would you have felt differently? By pausing and giving her daughter a chance to respond, she’s inviting her daughter to share her view.

When you want to encourage your kids to talk, try to limit yourself to one sentence and then wait for their response. Listen carefully before saying anything else and you’ll be surprised that your kids are actually talking to you!

Increasing Motivation to do Homework

Do your children get their homework done with little or no input from you? If so, consider yourself fortunate! On the other hand, if your children struggle to get their homework done, you may find yourself more involved.

Your role is to assist your child in establishing a good place to do homework and good conditions for working. For example, you might improve the conditions by giving them something to munch on while they are working like hummus and crackers, carrot sticks or strawberries.

How Involved Should You Be in Homework?

Let your child be in charge of requesting your help if needed. Establish times when you are available to help like from 3:00 – 5:00 and 7:00 – 8:00. If you don’t set boundaries, you may find yourself overwhelmed by things like trying to prepare dinner while also helping with homework.

In their book Smart Parenting for Smart Kids, Kennedy-Moore and Lowenthal write "Parents who are actively involved with their children’s homework every night, or who check over their children’s work before they turn it in, are establishing a dangerous pattern. First, they’re creating confusion about whose responsibility the homework really is. Second, they’re cutting off essential feedback that teachers need about what children do or don’t understand on their own. Third, they’re unwittingly criticizing their children’s abilities, implying that what their kids can do alone isn’t good enough to be seen in public. Parents who correct their children’s homework are trying to be helpful, but they’re unintentionally communicating to their children that mistakes are intolerable and must be hidden. This can be particularly harmful for perfectionistic children."

One mom realized she was establishing a dangerous pattern by checking over her daughter’s math homework every night.

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Asking Your Kids Instead of Telling Them What To Do

When you tell your kids what to do you set yourself up for a power struggle. Most people, including kids, do not like being told what to do. An approach that is likely to get a better response is to ask your kids a question.

A dad reported he’s avoiding power struggles with his 13-year-old son by asking him “What’s your plan for …?” instead of telling him what to do. For example he saw that his son had once again left wet towels and other things in the bathroom. Instead of nagging his son, he asked him “What’s your plan for cleaning up the bathroom?”

Asking questions makes your children do some thinking. This wires their brains for thinking through decisions - a wonderful skill to have!

Teaching Kids How to Reduce Their Negative Thinking

Negative thoughts can crop up like unwanted weeds threatening to choke out everything else. The tricky part about these negative thoughts is that they often sneak in quietly. They can start wreaking havoc before they’re detected.
When you notice your children getting frustrated and angry, you can bet there are some negative thoughts behind their behavior. I witnessed this one day when my son was in second grade working on a homework writing assignment. He made a mistake and erased it. He made another mistake and erased that. His anger and frustration grew with each attempt and soon there was a hole in the paper. Finally he scribbled out something to turn in and quit.
What I didn’t know then was how to help him out of the downward spiral he was in. Suggesting taking a break just made him even more upset. He ended up turning in his poorly completed assignment and received a poor grade. Noticing When Negative Thoughts Are Spinning Out of Control In his book, A Mindful Nation: How a Simple Practice Can Help Us Reduce Stress, Improve Performance, and Recapture the American Spirit, Tim Ryan tells a story about a friend's eight-year-old son, Mason. Mason was reading out loud to his Mom and struggling with it. Ryan writes "I happened to be visiting with them, so when he started crying, I decided to ask him what was wrong and he said, with tears streaming down his beet-red face, 'This book is just too hard for me!'" Ryan realized that Mason's emotions were getting in his way of reading. "Mason was tired, fussy, and upset with himself for not reading well. His pride was hurt, and he felt his inability to read meant that he wasn't smart. As his emotions got more out of control, each time he tried again to read, he quickly gave up." Wanting to help, Ryan waited until Mason stopped crying and then asked if he wanted help in understanding what just happened. Ryan explained to Mason how the emotional part of his brain was overriding the thinking part of his brain needed for reading. He described how he demonstrated this: “Then I started clowning a little and using my hands to demonstrate. One hand played the role of the part of the brain that helps in reading, and the other played the role of the brain governing emotions. I explained that when he got all revved up, the emotional part of the brain interfered with the part that helps him read. I made some weird noises and had one hand take over the other hand. Again and again, I made a silly noise and let the ‘emotional’ hand dominate the ‘reading’ hand.” Ryan then worked with Mason on following his breathing as a way to help calm his mind and body. This simple technique is an easy way for kids to get control of their thoughts. Focusing on slowly breathing in and out is a great tool for returning to the present moment and stopping negative thoughts. Once kids understand how their brains react under stress, they are in a better position to recognize when it is happening. Dr. Daniel Siegel provides an excellent way to help kids understand how the emotional part and the thinking part of the brain interact. He demonstrates using his hand as a model of the brain in a short video. Teaching your kids this simple model will give them a useful tool for remembering how their brains respond to strong emotions. Practicing Focusing Your Mind Being able to control negative thoughts takes practice. To help your children get better at controlling their thoughts, it’s helpful for them to practice focusing on their breathing for five minutes every day. Teach your children these three steps: Sit down for a few minutes with the goal of focusing on your breathing Notice when your mind wanders due to internal thoughts or external stimuli Remember the goal and go back to focusing on your breathing Let your kids know that everyone’s minds wander. This is normal and all they need to do is remember the goal of focusing on their breathing and come back to it. This breathing practice also allows your kids to notice the constant chatter going on in their heads. By focusing on their breathing, they have a tool for intentionally turning off the chatter. Noticing negative thoughts is the first step in purposely changing them.

Controlling Backtalk

One mom responded in a survey that her biggest parenting challenge is controlling backtalk. Backtalk is certainly something you don’t want to hear from your kids. It’s a sure fire way to push most parents’ buttons!

But can you control your children’s backtalk? I don’t think so. They ultimately control what words come out of their mouths. However, you can control your reaction to whatever they say. How you react will increase or decrease the likelihood that they will use backtalk in the future.

For example, when your child uses backtalk, you may say "I’ll be happy to continue this conversation when you are speaking with respect" and then walk away. This gives everyone a chance to cool down. You are also communicating that you won't stick around if they are using backtalk.

What if you’ve asked your child to feed the dog and he responds "Why do I have to do all the work around here?!" You might respond by saying "Thank you for feeding the dog" and walking away. What you want to avoid is taking the bait by answering the backtalk with something like "I do most of the work around here. All I ask you to do is a simple thing like feed the dog and you just complain." If you take the bait, you’re entering an argument and that will only encourage more backtalk in the future.

How to Build Healthy Relationships with Your Kids’ Teachers

Whether your children are in preschool, high school or somewhere in between, their teachers play a major role in their lives. Building positive relationships with their teachers will help your kids experience more success in school.

Your children need their teachers and those teachers need you. They simply cannot do the best for your kids without your help.

Noticing Problems at School

The advantage your children’s teachers have is that they work with many kids the same age and are good at noticing when a child is falling outside the norms either academically or socially. The advantage you have is that you know your child much better than any teacher. Both you and the teacher each contribute important information in understanding your child.

When a teacher comes to you discuss a problem with your child, it’s often a difficult conversation for both of you. As a parent, you are naturally sensitive to any perceived negative feedback about your child. It’s hard to hear your child is struggling without feeling defensive.

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Rules for Successful Sleepovers

Most kids love having friends spend the night. Sleepovers often involve lots of fun and very little sleep! As a parent you may dread having sleepy, cranky kids the next day plus a messy house.

What rules can you establish ahead of time to avoid the problems which sometimes accompany sleepovers? Here are some you might want to consider:

• All digital devices need to be turned in to you upon coming over (phones, iPads, …). You can tell them you’ll keep those things safe and return them when they go home (or they could chose to leave them at home). Groups of kids with internet access is a risky situation.
• Your child cleans up after the kids leave (ideally this encourages them to have their friends help clean up before they leave so that there isn’t a huge mess).
• Your child and the friends agree to a reasonable lights-out/quiet time.

If you have other rules you've found helpful, please share them in the comments below.

Warning Signs That a Child Is Drowning

Children who are drowning do not look like they are in distress. They are not going to call out for help or splash their arms. Why? Because they no longer have the air or strength to do those things.

Knowing the signs to look for in a person who is drowning may save a child's life. Below are the characteristics of the Instinctive Drowning Response from the Coast Guard’s On Scene magazine:

1. Except in rare circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help. The respiratory system was designed for breathing. Speech is the secondary, or overlaid, function. Breathing must be fulfilled, before speech occurs.

2. Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink below and reappear above the surface of the water. The mouths of drowning people are not above the surface of the water long enough for them to exhale, inhale, and call out for help. When the drowning people’s mouths are above the surface, they exhale and inhale quickly as their mouths start to sink below the surface of the water.

3. Drowning people cannot wave for help. Nature instinctively forces them to extend their arms laterally and press down on the water’s surface. Pressing down on the surface of the water, permits drowning people to leverage their bodies so they can lift their mouths out of the water to breathe.

4. Throughout the Instinctive Drowning Response, drowning people cannot voluntarily control their arm movements. Physiologically, drowning people who are struggling on the surface of the water cannot stop drowning and perform voluntary movements such as waving for help, moving toward a rescuer, or reaching out for a piece of rescue equipment.

5. From beginning to end of the Instinctive Drowning Response people’s bodies remain upright in the water, with no evidence of a supporting kick. Unless rescued by a trained lifeguard, these drowning people can only struggle on the surface of the water from 20 to 60 seconds before submersion occurs.

When you're at the water with kids, make sure at least one adult's attention is totally focused on the kids in the water.

The Secret to Your Children's True Happiness

What do you think is the greatest predictor of happiness for your children? Could it be having a stable home, loving parents, enough food to eat, fun activities, experiencing success in school or sports? Certainly these things and many more affect your children's happiness.

But what is the best predictor of happiness? In his book, Brain Rules for Babies, Dr. John Medina reports "The greatest predictor of happiness is having friends."

Friends really are that important. While you can't control how your children and their friends interact, you can help your child develop key friendship skills.

Teaching Your Child Friendship Skills

One of the most heartbreaking things is to see your child struggling to make and keep friends. Your child might be shy and easily ignored by other kids, overly sensitive, intimidating other children, or be the vulnerable child who is continually being picked on. What can you do to help your child develop the skills needed to make good friends?

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