What To Do If Your Kids Refuse To Do Their Homework

Do your children struggle to get their homework done each day? Do they outright refuse to do it sometimes? If you are in the habit of struggling with your kids over homework, it’s no fun for anyone.

The good news is you can change these dynamics! One school counselor reported that she saw many children who refused to do their homework. When she asked what they would do if their parents left homework up to them, almost all the kids replied they would do their homework. Some of the reasons they gave were not disappointing their teachers, having their recess time and avoiding embarrassment.

When your kids focus on resisting you, they can’t feel their internal motivations. How can you remove your children’s resistance and increase the likelihood of their homework getting done?

Remove yourself from the equation by saying something like, “I realize that when I try to make you do your homework both of us end up feeling bad. From now on I’m going to leave your homework up to you. I have faith that you can work out any issues around getting your homework done with your teacher. I want you to be successful in school so you are welcome to use the TV or computer after your homework is done. However, it’s up to you to decide when and if you do your homework.”

Asking questions is another way to help your children think through the possible consequences for not getting their homework done.

• How will you respond when your teacher asks you for your homework?
• What does your teacher do when kids don’t have their homework done?
• What effect does your homework have on your grade?

It’s critical to ask these questions with calm curiosity instead of anger. By leaving homework responsibility with your children, you increase the likelihood it will get done. 

Importance of Family in Everyone's Lives

Your childhood family has deep meaning and significance throughout your entire life. The major role family plays in shaping young adults is beautifully captured in this video of One Direction playing "Story of My Life":

Positively Transforming Your Kids’ Behavior Through Shaping

Are there any of your kids’ behaviors that you would like to change? Perhaps you feel frustrated that your child won’t practice the piano without being nagged, doesn’t listen the first time, or is super slow in getting ready for school. By the time you are really bothered by a behavior, your child is probably well entrenched in behaving this way.

You may have resorted to yelling, threatening and taking away privileges to try to improve your child’s behavior. While that may have worked one day, you probably found you needed to yell louder, come up with bigger threats or take away more privileges to get your child to behave again.

What Researchers Have Discovered About Punishment

By the time frustrated parents turn to Dr. Alan Kazdin at the Yale Parenting Center they are at their wits end! He tells them what he’s learned from the research:

"Punishment - mild, severe, abusive - changes behavior only at the moment it is delivered. It doesn't change the overall level or rate of the behavior. So if you have a child who's doing something horrible and you smack them, it'll stop it for the moment but it won't decrease the number of times they do the horrible thing.

So there's an alternative. Decide what behavior you want, sometimes called the positive opposite, and praise or encourage that. That makes the negative behavior drop out. You can actually eliminate a behavior by rewarding or praising the opposite behavior. Punishment won't do it."

Shaping the Behavior You Want

What does it mean to shape your child’s behavior? It involves five steps:

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Multiple Warnings Lead to Anger Not Better Behavior

Do you ever find yourself giving your kids multiple warnings? Do you ever say "How many times do I have to tell you?"

Watch this video clip from the movie “Kramer versus Kramer” and pay attention to how this dad feels as his son repeatedly ignores his warnings.

For parenting ideas that work better than multiple warnings and commands, take a Priceless Parenting online parenting class starting today!

Understanding Babies Who Cry Inconsolably

One of the most stressful parts of caring for our baby daughter was when she cried and nothing we did helped. It can lead even the strongest parent to tears!

We knew babies cried a lot but we didn't know how helpless we would feel when we couldn't comfort her. We also didn't know how common this type of crying is for all babies.

The Period of PURPLE Crying acronym captures what is going on:

Peak of Crying - Your baby may cry more each week, the most in month 2, then less in months 3-5.
Unexpected - Crying can come and go and you don't know why.
Resists Soothing - Your baby may not stop crying no matter what you try.
Pain-like Face - A crying baby may look like the are in pain, even when they are not.
Long Lasting - Crying can last as much as 5 hours a day or more.
Evening - Your baby may cry more in the late afternoon and evening.

Dr. Ronald Barr provides an excellent explanation of the PURPLE crying period in this video:

Help Me Do It By Myself

When I was a child and struggling to do something, I often went to my dad for help. However, I wanted just enough help so that I could feel I had pretty much done it on my own. If he gave me what I deemed to be too much help, I got mad … not that much help, just a little!

Fortunately for me, my dad had a lot of patience. He was willing to try giving me hints on how to solve a problem without solving it for me. It certainly could not have been an easy balance for him!

I wanted to feel proud of what I had accomplished on my own. Even though I needed his help, if I had just a little help then it qualified as doing it on my own.

The next time your kids come to you for help, think about how you can give just enough help to get them unstuck without solving it for them.

Not Having Enough Time with My Kids

A mom wrote that her biggest parenting challenge is not having enough time with her kids. What an important realization! This is a problem worth solving. Your kids blossom when they have plenty of your time and you feel more relaxed.

Although I don’t know this mom’s personal situation, I do know that it is worth getting creative to figure out how to free up more time to be with her kids. Your kids keep growing and changing every day and there is no way to get that precious time back once it’s gone.

Have you found ways to free up more time so you can be with your kids? While each person’s situation is different, freeing up more time often involves things like

• Changing work schedules or situations (like no longer traveling for work)
• Letting less important tasks slip (perhaps the house won’t be quite as clean!)
• Asking neighbors, friends or relatives for help
• Finding ways to involve your kids in your tasks (like including them in meal preparation)

You can guarantee that in 10 years you won’t look back and wish you had kept the bathrooms a little cleaner. However, you will look back and appreciate the memories of spending time with your kids.

Releasing Emotions Holding You Back

Emotions are a powerful source of information and inspiration. Fear can spring you into action when danger is near. Love can give you the courage to stand up for someone. Anger can inspire you to fight to change something that isn’t right.

When Emotions Get Stuck and Hold You Back

Emotions start causing problems when they get in your way of success. This can happen when you experience something negative and you unconsciously decide to make sure that never happens again.

Have you noticed your kids being held back by their emotions? In the following stories, kids are being negatively affected by their strong, persistent feelings.

Brian loved playing baseball and was good at it. One day he was up to bat he got hit hard by the pitcher’s ball. He immediately went down in pain but eventually recovered enough to take first base and finish the game. From then on he found various excuses for missing practice and not playing baseball.

Isabel knew she was prepared to take the science test. She had studied all week plus done well on all the homework. However, when she sat down to take the test, her mind went blank.

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When Parent's Words Seriously Hurt Children

When you say something negative to your children, it may end up haunting them for the rest of their lives. In this video, Bobbie talks about the pain she experiences as an adult as a result of hearing her dad tell her "I wish you were never born" when she was 5-years-old.

Nick Ortner, founder of the Tapping Solution, walks her through the experience using tapping to release the strong emotion that she still has around that event.

Discipline Without Screaming and Threatening

A mom wrote that her biggest parenting challenge is to discipline without screaming and threatening. This is a common parenting struggle as it’s a very natural reaction to increase your volume when your kids don’t obey the first time. Before you know it, you’ve added threats to try to force them to behave.

When you start yelling and threatening, you really let your kids off the hook for their poor behavior. Now they can focus on your out-of-control behavior instead of their own misbehavior.

If you can remain calm and actually lower your voice, you will be in a more powerful position. By remaining composed, you can hold your kids accountable for their behavior without escalating the situation.

Is it easy? No! But I learned to change my screaming into calm, confident parenting and you can too! Discover the effective parenting ideas in Priceless Parenting’s online parenting classes.

Too Much Screen Time Hurts Babies

TV and digital devices are certainly effective at keeping kids entertained. But how much is too much? Previously I've written about limiting screen time for older kids. Sadly pediatricians, psychologists and teachers are seeing babies and preschoolers with social, emotional and physical problems related to too much time on screens.

Parents are getting the message that digital devices are great for babies and toddlers. You can now buy a baby bouncy chair and a potty chair with iPad mounts. You can buy apps that are designed just for babies and toddlers.

One such app had this to say in its press release "Red Wagon Software announces the release of "Bonk! Bonk!" - its debut iPad and iPhone app for toddlers. Founded by Bill Brisky - a former Microsoft programmer - Inspiration for the endeavor started when Brisky's infant son Paul became enamored with his father's iPad and would delight in tapping images on the screen. Seeing his son's obvious joy, Brisky created "Bonk! Bonk!" - an interactive app where every time Paul would tap the screen a sound and colorful image would suddenly appear mesmerizing him for hours."

Kids who are mesmerized for hours by an app are missing out on developing critical interpersonal skills. Setting screen time limits is essential for keeping your kids healthy.

After presenting at the Crib to Classroom conference last weekend, teachers asked if I had a one page handout they could give parents on the problems caused by babies spending too much time with TV and digital devices. I didn't have a handout so I created one and it's featured in this month's newsletter. You are welcome to print and share copies of "Too Much Screen Time Hurts Babies".

Guiding Your Kids Through Their Worries and Anxieties

Kids have little worries and big worries. Sometimes these worries, like monsters under the bed, seem ridiculous to adults but are very real for children.

When kids get too caught up in their anxiety, they miss out on activities and can be miserable. If your child has a lot of worries, check out Dr. Larry Cohen's book, The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears. It's filled with stories and practical advice for guiding your children through their worry jungle and out to the field of safety where they can have fun.

In her Amazon review of the book, one Mom explained how she tried out the Stop/Go method. "Basically a game, you and your child are engaged in a 'stopping and going' activity---with your child being the one 'in charge'. I tried it out the next morning when brushing my seven year old daughter's hair...and I am still in shock with the results! As long as she has had hair, brushing has been an absolute nightmare, each and every morning. I always knew it was rooted in anxiety, but wondered if there were some other issues too because her reactions/screams/crying were so intense. Anyway, tried Stop/Go the other morning (which literally took 15 seconds) and she was laughing and begging me to keep brushing!!!!"

6-Week Online Parenting Class - Start Today!

Parenting is a dance you do with your kids. If you don't like their moves, take this class and learn how to change your lead!
Discover your children's strengths and increase their competence Aim for high expectations based on your children's developmental level Notice misbehavior and respond with reasonable, valuable consequences Control your reaction to stressful parenting situations Enjoy your children and take time to renew yourself
Priceless Parenting classes are grounded on decades of positive parenting experiences from real life situations and backed by the latest scientific research in child development. The DANCE Parenting Class combines the powerful online parenting classes and written questions/answers with the class author, Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.
Space is limited. Register today for one of these classes. Register now for $149! Yes! I want to join this parenting class. I understand that I will get: 11 audio/video parenting lessons over 6 weeks starting immediately Written interaction with the instructor, Kathy Slattengren, on each lesson Ability to schedule a 20 minute private call with Kathy Slattengren PDF copy of the book How to Parent In Ways That Are Truly Helpful, Not Hurtful Certificate of Completion for a 6-week class upon finishing the course and filling out a questionnaire Permission to share this course with my spouse or partner Learn more and register for one of these classes: Ages 5 and Under  Ages 6 to 12  Ages 13 to 18  I hope you are able to join me!      Kathy Slattengren, M. Ed.      President, Priceless Parenting P.S. If you know someone who might enjoy taking this class, please do me a favor and share this with them.

One Child's Experience of Autism

What is really going on in the mind of an autistic child? Often the autistic child's behavior is puzzling even to the child's parents and can be extremely difficult to handle. The seriously limited ability for an autistic child to communicate makes understanding the child even more challenging.

Naoki Higashida, a 13-year-old Japanese boy with autism, learned to express himself through writing with the help of a computer. His book, The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism, provides an amazing window into his world. He answers a variety of questions including "Why do you ask the same questions over and over?" and "What's the reason you jump?"

His answers reveal a great depth of understanding and self-awareness. His brilliance is locked in a body that doesn't respond to his commands the way most people's bodies respond.

Although he’s autistic, some of his answers beautifully apply to all children. When he was asked “Why do you do things you should even when you’ve been told a million times not to?” He responded

“It may look as if we’re being bad out of naughtiness, but honestly, we’re not. When we’re being told off, we feel terrible that yet again we’ve done what we’ve been told not to. But when the chance comes once more, we’ve pretty much forgotten about the last time and we just get carried away yet again. It’s as if something that isn’t us is urging us on.

You must be thinking: “Is he never going to learn?” We know we’re making you sad and upset, but it’s as if we don’t have any say in it, I’m afraid, and that’s the way it is. But please, whatever you do, don’t give up on us. We need your help.”

Successfully Tackling Touchy Topics

How do you feel when you need to talk to your child, your child’s teacher, your spouse or someone else about a touchy topic? Are you excited to address this important issue or do you feel like running in the opposite direction? Most people feel a significant amount of anxiety when they think about addressing a situation which is emotionally charged and opinions differ.

When approaching a difficult conversation you have three basic options:

1. Choose to ignore it and hope the situation magically gets better.
2. Launch head first into the conversation and handle it poorly.
3. Prepare ahead of time and handle the conversation well.

While it would be great if challenging situations got better on their own, since this rarely happens let’s look at how you can prepare to handle the conversation well.

Preparing for the Conversation

You will increase the odds of having a productive conversation if you prepare ahead of time. Begin by considering your motive for having this conversation.

In the book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, the authors identify three important questions to ask yourself when preparing for a crucial conversation:

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How can I get my kids to listen to me?

Do your kids often ignore your requests until you are screaming or threatening them? Are you tired of asking them multiple times to do something?

If so, there’s a solution! You can retrain them to listen the first time by only asking once and then acting. For example, there was a 3-year-old girl in a hotel lobby who ran to the couch, climbed up and started jumping. Her Dad told her “No jumping on the couch!” She continued jumping. Her Mom then told her “Get down!” She still continued jumping.

Soon both parents were yelling and threatening and the girl eventually stopped jumping for a few minutes before going back to the couch and jumping. How frustrating for these parents!

What else could they have done? Ask their daughter once to stop jumping on the couch and when she continued, go immediately over and gently take her off the couch. Give her another option for getting out her energy like “You can jump as much as you want on the floor. Do you think you can jump like a bunny all the way over to that table?”

If you want your kids to listen the first time, you need to act whenever they don’t respond to your first request. Taking action is more involved than just repeating your request but it’s essential if you want your kids to learn to listen the first time.

Top 10 Popular Articles from Last Year

These are the articles from Priceless Parenting that were most often read throughout the past year:

1. Changing Your Children's Thinking from Negative to Positive    


2. Limiting Screen Time for Kids    


3. Improving Your Children's Motivation  


4. 3 Keys to Developing Children's Empathy 


5. Making and Breaking Promises    


6. Allowing Your Children to Struggle is Often the Best Way Through a Problem    


7. Learning How to Fit into Peer Groups And Find Friends 


8. How You Unintentionally Encourage Misbehavior    


9. Lying, Cheating and Stealing 


10. Responding to Your Kids Swearing  

If you would like to reprint any article for your organization's newsletter, you are welcome to do so. I just ask that you include the byline.