Guiding Your Kids Through Their Worries and Anxieties

Kids have little worries and big worries. Sometimes these worries, like monsters under the bed, seem ridiculous to adults but are very real for children.

When kids get too caught up in their anxiety, they miss out on activities and can be miserable. If your child has a lot of worries, check out Dr. Larry Cohen's book, The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears. It's filled with stories and practical advice for guiding your children through their worry jungle and out to the field of safety where they can have fun.

In her Amazon review of the book, one Mom explained how she tried out the Stop/Go method. "Basically a game, you and your child are engaged in a 'stopping and going' activity---with your child being the one 'in charge'. I tried it out the next morning when brushing my seven year old daughter's hair...and I am still in shock with the results! As long as she has had hair, brushing has been an absolute nightmare, each and every morning. I always knew it was rooted in anxiety, but wondered if there were some other issues too because her reactions/screams/crying were so intense. Anyway, tried Stop/Go the other morning (which literally took 15 seconds) and she was laughing and begging me to keep brushing!!!!"

One Child's Experience of Autism

What is really going on in the mind of an autistic child? Often the autistic child's behavior is puzzling even to the child's parents and can be extremely difficult to handle. The seriously limited ability for an autistic child to communicate makes understanding the child even more challenging.

Naoki Higashida, a 13-year-old Japanese boy with autism, learned to express himself through writing with the help of a computer. His book, The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism, provides an amazing window into his world. He answers a variety of questions including "Why do you ask the same questions over and over?" and "What's the reason you jump?"

His answers reveal a great depth of understanding and self-awareness. His brilliance is locked in a body that doesn't respond to his commands the way most people's bodies respond.

Although he’s autistic, some of his answers beautifully apply to all children. When he was asked “Why do you do things you should even when you’ve been told a million times not to?” He responded

“It may look as if we’re being bad out of naughtiness, but honestly, we’re not. When we’re being told off, we feel terrible that yet again we’ve done what we’ve been told not to. But when the chance comes once more, we’ve pretty much forgotten about the last time and we just get carried away yet again. It’s as if something that isn’t us is urging us on.

You must be thinking: “Is he never going to learn?” We know we’re making you sad and upset, but it’s as if we don’t have any say in it, I’m afraid, and that’s the way it is. But please, whatever you do, don’t give up on us. We need your help.”

How do you nurture the soul of your family?

Paying attention to what nurtures your family is one of the most important things you can do. When family members don't get enough of what they need - whether it is sleep, outdoor time or healthy food - things get out of balance.

It can be challenging to slow down enough to notice what's contributing to your family's overall mood. In her book, Nurturing the Soul of Your Family: 10 Ways to Reconnect and Find Peace in Everyday Life, Renée Peterson Trudeau describes how to do just that.

"As we slow down, pause, inquire, do the work that's needed to heal, and invite our wise selves to have a voice, we begin to experience more space around our problems and how we see things. We create breathing room in which we can choose how and when we respond to the screaming toddler, the teenager who just broke curfew, or the partner who seems constantly distracted.

As we begin to heal our inner world and come into greater wholeness, our outer world changes, too. Our choices and circumstances shift and align with our values, so we live with greater integrity with who we really are."

Her practical ideas are filled with examples from her own family and others about how they've found more connection and less stress. If you want ideas for nurturing the soul of your family, this book is a great place to start.

How to Parent In Ways That Are Truly Helpful, Not Hurtful

Many parents wish their children came with an owners manual to tell them how to handle the tough situations without breaking a sweat! While that manual doesn't exist, there is a universal body of research and knowledge about how effective parents raise respectful, responsible children.

The new How To Parent In Ways That Are Truly Helpful, Not Hurtful book captures this knowledge. Practical ideas for building a positive family life are presented through real parenting stories. Below are some of the ideas you'll find in this book.

Chapter 1: Guiding and Encouraging Children

Creating a positive tone in your home (p. 13)
Identifying conversation roadblocks (p.15)
Guiding children to solving their own problems (p. 23)

Chapter 2: Parenting Behaviors to Avoid

Replacing yelling at children with calmer responses (p. 45)
Understanding problems caused by bribing children (p. 48)
Finding out how to avoid food battles (p. 51)

Chapter 3: Responding Positively to Misbehavior

Getting children to respond the first time you make a request (p. 66)
Discovering how to stay out of power struggles (p. 70)
Shaping the desired behaviors you want (p. 74)

Chapter 4: Building Your Kid's Life Skills

Developing habits to succeed in school (p. 87)
Helping children figure out how to fit in (p. 93)
Replacing negative self talk with positive thoughts (p. 95)

Handling Crucial Conversations Well

When your emotions are high and you’re discussing something you care dearly about, you are in a crucial conversation. You might be talking to your partner about how to handle a situation where your child has misbehaved, speaking to a teacher about how to best work with your child or bringing up a touchy subject with your child. Because of the dynamics, it can be challenging to stay focused and be at your best during discussions like these.

If you’d like to handle these types of conversations better, check out the book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. It is filled with ideas for performing well when discussing something you care deeply about.

You’ll learn to notice when someone has stopped contributing to the conversation by using silence or violence. You’ll also develop the skills to bring that person back into the dialogue by making the situation feel safer. Improving your abilities in handling crucial conversations will allow you to address important issues while maintaining healthy relationships.

A Mom's Difficult Journey through Her Young Daughter's Cancer Treatment

When Judith and John Hannan learn that their sweet, 8-year-old daughter, Nadia, has cancer their whole world is turned upside down. After cracking her jaw while eating a piece of candy, Nadia is diagnosed with Ewing’s sarcoma, a bone cancer which is in her jaw. As Nadia enters the painful world of tests, chemotherapy and operations to save her life, her Mom is by her side every step of the way.

While John and Nadia’s brother and sister, other family members and friends help out, the majority of Nadia’s daily care falls onto Judith. In her book, Motherhood Exaggerated, Judith recounts the painful journey from Nadia’s initial diagnosis through her treatment and ultimate recovery.

After the surgery which took bone from Nadia’s leg to replace the cancerous bone removed from her jaw, Judith describes her daily routine. “Since leaving the hospital post-surgery, I was busier than ever. In addition to the routine care of the Broviac, dispensing pills to make Nadia more comfortable, and administering the G-shots to help stimulate white-blood-cell production, I had to change the dressing on her leg, give her iron supplements and shots of Epogen to increase her red-blood-cell count, wean her off pain killers, and make sure she did her jaw and neck exercises.”

Taking care of a child who is undergoing cancer treatment is one of the most challenging experiences any parent can go through. This book provides an intimate look at one family’s story through this heartbreaking process.

Brain Science Tools to Help Your Children Better Understand Themselves

You've probably heard of the idea of connecting with your child's emotions before attempting to correct any misbehavior. Why is this a better strategy than just yelling at your kids if they're misbehaving?

Brain researchers now know enough about how children's brains operate and grow to explain why certain parenting reactions are better than others. In their book, The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson give practical tips for parents based on the latest research.

They provide useful ideas for responding when children are reacting emotionally. These responses help kids integrate their experiences. In their book they describe "That's what integration does: it coordinates and balances the separate regions of the brain that it links together. It's easy to see when our kids aren't integrated - they become overwhelmed by their emotions, confused and chaotic. They can't respond calmly and capably to the situation at hand. Tantrums, meltdowns, aggression, and most of the other challenging experiences of parenting - and life - are a result of a loss of integration, also know as dis-integration."

This book will give you tools for helping your kids handle the more challenging parts of life.

Keeping Your Private Parts Private

Kimberly King, a kindergarten teacher, thought she had done a good job of discussing appropriate and inappropriate touch with her kids. However, when her 5-year-old son, Zack, went to the neighbor's house for a sleepover, he was not really prepared for what happened. Zack ended up being pressured by his best friend to engage in inappropriate behavior.

While Zack found creative ways to resist cooperating, he was deeply effected by the event. This book is co-written by Zack and his mom as a way to help other kids learn from Zack's experience.

It's a wonderful resource for helping discuss the difference between people who are behaving appropriately ("green flag people") and those who aren't ("red flag people"). Children are given examples of how they might be bribed or threatened along with ideas for how to tell someone.

Normal Parenting Problems

All parents run into challenges in handling their children’s behavior. Just like normally developing children will try cooing, sitting up, crawling and walking, they will also try throwing tantrums, whining and screaming.

It can sometimes feel like you are the only parent who is struggling to handle your children’s behavior. Nevertheless, the truth is all parents go through these challenges.

One preschooler teacher described how she could see parents struggling with their children and wanted to help. However, parents often became defensive if she tried discussing it.

She went on to explain that this is why she really likes the Priceless Parenting Guidebook. When she shows parents stories in the book from other families, they realize they aren’t alone. They are also much more open to trying out the new ideas suggested in the book.

Read this book to tap into the universal body of research and knowledge about how to handle every day parenting challenges!

Developing Your Baby's Brain

What do scientists know about the best way to raise smart, happy kids?  If you want to know ... and want a fun, engaging book to learn from, then Brain Rules for Baby by John Medina is for you!

Medina discusses the key elements researchers have found for developing young children's abilities.  He weaves stories from raising his own sons along with other parents' stories to explain various research findings.  Discussing some parenting research, he writes

"They studied families who consistently produced terrific kids, then analyzed what their parents did that was so darned nourishing.  They wondered if perhaps these parents had a few things in common.  In other words: did certain parenting skills correlate so strongly with the hoped-for outcomes that they could predict how any kids turned out?

Yes, it turns out.  Though the data are associative, they are sophisticated.  Regardless of race or income, parents who end up with great kids do similar kinds of things over and over again."

If you're interested in understanding the common parenting elements involved in producing terrific kids, start by reading this book.

Why children love learning in Montessori schools

Do you want your kids to love learning?  Do you want them to be self-motivated and eager to take on new challenges?  If so, Montessori schools are a dream come true!

Trevor Eissler, pilot and father of three children, wanted the absolutely best education for his children.  In the process of researching possibilities, he discovered Montessori schools.  He was amazed by how the Montessori environment allows children to love learning by actively choose their own educational activities.

He's enthusiastically shared what he learned in his book Montessori Madness!  My children attended a Montessori preschool and what he describes rings true for me.  I was truly amazed at how much they learned and how much they loved going.

Eissler dissects just why Montessori schools succeed where traditional schools fail.  

"They learn to solve problems by solving them, not hiding them.  Montessori children learn discipline by practicing discipline, not by having the teacher tell them to be disciplined.  They are naturally self-motivated because they are free to choose their own lessons at the moment they are ready to learn those lessons, and to follow wherever the intellectual thread leads.  These students are not trained to wait for a teacher to motivate them before acting.  They have long attention spans because every day they practice concentrating on some type of work for extended periods of time, not just until the bell rings for the next class.   These students are decisive because they make decisions for themselves - the teacher does not decide for them.  These children learn to respect others because they in turn are respected, not dominated." 

 He creates a compelling argument that the Montessori approach is far better than the current factory model of education practiced in public schools today.  If you want to understand why Montessori schools succeed where others fail, this is your book.  

Growing Your Child’s Mind

What life skills do all children need to succeed in life? Ellen Galinksy has spent her life researching and understanding child development. Her latest book, Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs pulls together this research showing why these skills are important and how you can help your children develop these abilities.

The first essential skill discussed is focus and self-control. She explains, “Take the words often used to describe the world: complicated, distracting. Or the words about time: 24x7, rushed, time starved, too much to do and not enough time to do it. To navigate this world, children need to focus, to determine what is important and to pay attention to this, amid many distractions. Focus is one of the essential skills we need to promote in our children.”

The other essential skills are

• Perspective taking
• Communication
• Making connections
• Critical thinking
• Taking on challenges
• Self-directed, engaged learning

She provides plenty of research and ideas for building these skills in children. Her suggestions allow you to have fun with your kids while growing their minds!

Handling teenage problems

Teens are known for behaving in ways that provide challenges for the best of parents! Laura Kastner, a psychologist who helps families with teens, is very familiar with the problems many parents encounter.

Kastner and writer Jennifer Wyatt's book, Getting to Calm: Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens, provides great ideas for handling tough situations like these:

• Your teen tells you he's sleeping over at a friend's house but he actually went to a concert
• Your daughter refuses to do her chores
• Your son is skipping classes and doing poorly in school
• Your teen is acting demanding and unappreciative
• You find out your teen is drinking or using drugs

There are realistic dialogs between parents and teens throughout the book.  These dialogs include comments analyzing some of the reasons behind the statements and the impact of those statements.  If you have a challenging tween or teen, I'd highly recommend reading this book.

Formula for Communicating Better with Children

It's easy to respond to your children's behavior in ways that shutdown communication.  If your child comes to you upset because his sister won't share a toy with him, the response that pops into your mind might be "I'm so tired of your fighting!" or "Stop complaining and play with something else."  Saying something like this may get him to go away but probably won't make him feel understood.

In her book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, Naomi Aldort describes her SALVE formula for better communication.

S – "Separate yourself from your child’s behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-talk. This is the hardest step; once you can do it, the rest flows easily. Notice that when your child’s action elicits your reaction, your mind puts words into your mouth. … To avoid hurting your child, read the words on the automatic window silently in your head."

A –“Attention on your child. When you have silently investigated the conversation inside your head (which has nothing to do with your child), shift your attention from yourself and your inner monologue to your child.”

L – "Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating; then listen some more. Make eye contact with your child and ask questions that would provide him with an opportunity to speak some more, or if the child expresses himself non-verbally, to let him know that you understand"

V – "Validate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception."

E – "Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him. Show confidence in his resourcefulness by not getting all wound up and by not rushing to fix everything."

In the situation where your son has come to you upset because his sister won't share a toy with him, the SALVE formula night work like this:

S - You think "I'm so tired of your fighting!" but you don't say this.
A - You look at your son.
L - You listen and summarize, "You asked to play with her zoo animals but she said no."
V - You validate his feelings, "You're mad because you can't play with the zoo animals right now."
E - You let him decide on what to do next.

The Listening and Validating steps may take awhile as your son continues to discuss the situation.  By not jumping in to solve the problem, you empower him to figure out how to resolve it. 

Check out her book for a more indepth explanation of the SALVE formula plus many other examples:

Four Things That Matter Most in Parenting

What four things matter the most in parenting? Could they be the same as the four things that matter most in life? It is likely they could be the same since our relationships with our children are some of the most significant ones we have in our lives.

The Four Things That Matter Most

In his book, The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living, Ira Byock proclaims these are the four most important things to say to those you love:

• Please forgive me.  
• I forgive you.
• Thank you.
• I love you. 

Byock explains "Comprising just eleven words, these four short sentences carry the core wisdom of what people who are dying have taught me about what matters most in life." The book contains many moving stories of people who have healed relationships when they've been able to say these things to each other.

Forgiveness - The Hardest Thing To Do

One story in the book is about Avi who had been rejected by his father when he was a boy. He harbored a deep resentment against his father for his cruel behavior. When he found out his father was dying, he realized how much his hatred of his father was still controlling his own life. It was even interfering with the relationships he had with his own young sons.

(read the rest of the article at Priceless Parenting)

Sensory integration problems

Children's behavior is shaped by how they experience the world through their senses. If your child reacts atypically to things like noise, touch and smells, he may be sensing these things in a very different way from most people.

The book Raising A Sensory Smart Child provides information about sensory integration problems and provides many practical ways to handle them. Veronica Zysk, Managing Editor of Autism Asperger's Digest magazine wrote this about the book:

"As our world gets faster, louder, more crowded and stress-laden, it's not just kids with disabilities who experience sensory challenges. It's all kids (and adults!) - some a little, some a lot. Yet most people never stop to think about sensory issues and the extent to which they interfer with learning, functioning, with daily living.

Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske have done a bang-up job explaining the complexities and far-reaching effects of sensory challenges. I've read numerous books on sensory issues. What makes this book stand out is the clear, conversational tone coupled with page after page of practical, helpful information. The authors go way beyond "education" and give you the real life tools you need to make the world a friendlier place for individuals with sensory issues."

Motivating children

Do carrots and sticks work well to motivate children? Will the promise of a reward for practicing the piano help our child practice more? Or will the threat of punishment be more effective?

 

According to Daniel Pink’s latest book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, external rewards and punishment are not effective. The secret for motivating children to high performance lies in allowing their own internal drives to direct their behavior.

 

Pink describes three elements of true motivation:

• Autonomy – the need to direct our own lives
• Mastery – the desire to learn and create new things
• Purpose – the ability to positively impact ourselves and our world

If you want your child to practice the piano more, try allowing her to choose when to practice, what music to focus on and where to perform that will bring delight to someone else.

Protecting Your Child from Sexual Abuse

One of a parents worst nightmares is that their child would be sexually abused.  Unfortunately, by age 18, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys have been sexually abused.  In 90% of the cases, the abuser is a family member or someone else known to the child.

How do you teach young children about inappropriate touch without scaring them? A great place to begin for preschoolers is by reading the book My Body Belongs to Me. It's a simple children's story with the message that if someone touches you inappropriately, tell.

Another resource for parents is the Darkness to Light website which describes 7 steps for preventing sexual abuse:

1. Learn the facts
2. Minimize opportunity
3. Talk about it
4. Stay alert
5. Make a plan
6. Act on suspicions
7. Get involved 

By understanding the facts and proactively talking to our children, we reduce the likelihood that they will be a sexual abuse victim.

Giving Thanks to Parents

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

by Mary Rita Schilke Korzan

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each
other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of
your time and money to help people who had nothing,
and I learned that those who have something should
give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it’s all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I learned most of
life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and
wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn’t looking."

Surprising research on children

The recently released book, NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, reviews some things researchers have learned about raising children – often counter to popular belief. For example:

• Specific praise is better than general praise in positively effecting children’s behavior. Children who are given general praise for their intelligence are less likely to choose challenging work in the future while children who are praised for their effort are more willing to choose a difficult task.

• Getting enough sleep is essential for learning to solidify and for children to do their best at school. NutureShock reports on research from Minnesota which found “Teens who received A’s averaged about fifteen more minutes sleep than the B students, who in turn averaged 15 more minutes than the C’s, and so on.”

• Teens who argue with their parents may be showing respect, not disrespect.

• Preschoolers who are given the opportunity to participate in structured role plays through the Tools of the Mind program developed the ability to focus and stay on task. These higher-order thinking skills led to significantly better academic test scores.

While the book isn’t prescriptive in telling parents how to change their behavior based on the reported research, parents will gain some interesting insights.